How to Lead with Empathy Without Losing Accountability (A Leadership Guide)
Why taking yourself less seriously is the secret to better leadership
When did everything at work become a referendum on who you are as a person?
Why is it that one difficult email feels like a personal attack on your entire identity?
How did we get to a place where your job performance and your self-worth became so tangled together that losing one feels like losing the other?
These questions haunt a lot of leaders right now. And they're exactly what Emily Erstad wanted to explore when she wrote her book, It's Not That Deep.
It's not just about managing stress better or getting a thicker skin. It's about fundamentally shifting how we show up in our roles, especially when we're leading other people.
Because here's what happens when leaders can't separate their work from their worth: they create cultures where everyone else does the same thing. And suddenly you've got a team of people drowning in a doom loop of their own making.
(00:00) The Therapist Who Decided Leadership Was Her Therapy
Emily Erstad is an indie author, strategic leader, and soulful coach with a background that's pretty unique. She has a master's in speech-language pathology and years of experience in therapy, healthcare leadership, and operations strategy.
Right now, she's an executive director in the hospice space where she leads with empathy and vision.
But here's what makes Emily's perspective so valuable: she's a deep thinker and a deep feeler.
She spent most of her life living in that depth—analyzing everything, feeling everything, never quite letting things go.
Then she reached a turning point. She realized that being a deep thinker wasn't the problem. Staying there was.
That realization became the foundation for her book and honestly, for the entire conversation we're having today.
Because Emily gets what most leadership content misses: emotional intelligence isn't a tool for fixing people. It's a tool for knowing when to stop trying.
(02:35) The Doom Loop Nobody Talks About
Here's a pattern Emily noticed and honestly, you've probably lived it.
You have a hard day at work. Something doesn't go your way. Maybe you made a mistake. Maybe someone else made a mistake and it landed on you.
You talk about it with friends. You vent. You're validated. They agree with you. They say all the right things.
And then what?
You feel worse.
Because now that story has legs. You've put words to it. You've shared it. It's real. And every time you retell it, you reinforce the narrative that you're stuck.
Emily calls this the "doom loop." And she says the worst part? We don't see it happening.
The doom loop has two sides.
On one side, you're validating your feelings. "Yes, my boss did treat me unfairly. Yes, I have a right to be upset." That's true.
On the other side, you're reinforcing a story that keeps you small and stuck. "Everyone always does this to me. I can never catch a break. This is just how it is."
The thing is, both sides feel the same from the inside. Both feel like you're processing. Both feel productive. But one is moving you forward. The other is keeping you exactly where you don't want to be.
And leaders who live in the doom loop? They inadvertently teach their teams to do the same.
(13:16) Trauma Dumping Isn't What You Think It Is
This is where the conversation gets real.
Because Emily makes a crucial distinction that nobody really talks about, and it's changing how I think about workplace culture.
There's a difference between sharing your feelings and trauma dumping.
Sharing your feelings: "I'm having a hard time right now. Can we talk about this?"
Trauma dumping: Unloading everything you haven't processed onto someone else without any relationship or warning, as a way to avoid dealing with it yourself.
The first one builds connection. The second one destroys it.
And here's where it gets tricky in leadership:
Emily works in hospice. So she sees real trauma. Real loss. Real pain. But she also sees people using the word "trauma" so loosely that it's lost all meaning.
Someone doesn't sleep well one night? "I'm so triggered today."
Someone disagrees with you? "That's traumatizing."
Someone gives you feedback? "How could you attack me like that?"
The algorithms on social media feed us content that validates exactly what we already believe. So we're never challenged. We're never pushed. We're just constantly confirmed.
And then when someone says something that isn't confirming what we believe? Suddenly we're "triggered." Except we're not. We're just disagreeing.
And that's actually okay.
(21:18) Accountability Isn't the Enemy of Empathy
This is the part that most leaders struggle with, and honestly, it's where everything falls apart.
We've been sold this idea that you can have empathy OR accountability. Pick one. But that's false.
The best leaders have both. And they understand that accountability actually serves the employee.
Emily talks about termination situations a lot in her work. And she always tells leaders the same thing: "They earned this termination."
Not because they're a bad person. But because they didn't meet the expectations of the role.
Here's where leaders mess it up.
They soften the message because they empathize with the person's situation. So they say things like:
– "I know this is hard for you." – "I know you have a family." – "I know this wasn't your fault."
And what the person hears? None of this is my responsibility. So nothing changes. And you end up having to fire someone twice.
The conversation that actually helps? It sounds different.
"I see you. I know this is difficult. And this is the consequence of not meeting the role's requirements. That's on you to own."
Accountability with empathy means:
– You care about the person AND you hold them responsible.
– You see their struggle AND you don't excuse their performance.
– You want to support them AND you won't damage the team by overlooking their impact.
It's the "and" that changes everything.
(28:23) Why Vulnerability Fails When You Use It Wrong
Emily made a point that gets missed in a lot of workplace culture conversations.
Vulnerability is valuable. But it's not magic. You can't just be vulnerable with anyone and expect it to build trust. That's not how it works.
Real vulnerability requires real relationship first.
You have to create safety. Then you can share authentically.
But a lot of leaders think it works backward. They think "if I'm vulnerable with you, that creates trust." Nope.
What actually happens is they overshare with someone who isn't equipped to handle it. The employee gets confused about boundaries. The leader's credibility goes down. And nothing improves.
Emily is really intentional about this. She's kind. She's warm. She draws people out. But she doesn't share her personal struggles with everyone.
She shares strategically. With people she has a relationship with. With intention.
That doesn't make her cold. It makes her smart.
Because when she does share something real, it lands. It builds a connection. It creates safety.
When you're vulnerable all the time with everyone? You're just messy. And people don't trust messy leaders.
What Happens When You Stop Taking Yourself So Seriously
Here's what Emily wants you to know:
Being a deep thinker and a deep feeler is a gift.
Your emotional intelligence matters.
Your desire to support your team matters.
But you've got to zoom out sometimes.
You've got to step back and ask: "Is this productive? Is this helping anyone? Or am I just spinning in my own head?"
Because the leaders who change culture aren't the ones who live in the deepest depths of their emotions.
They're the ones who can visit that depth when it serves them, and then move on. The ones who can hold accountability and empathy at the same time.
The ones who know their boundaries aren't mean—they're actually generous. Because a leader with strong boundaries can show up better for everyone.
That's the real work. Not being more vulnerable. Not being more empathetic. But being more intentional about when and where you show up in those ways.
Your team will feel the difference. And they'll trust you more for it.
Connect with Emily:
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/emily-erstad-m-a-ccc-slp-381346135/
Book: It’s Not the Deep
Website: https://eepublicationsllc.wixsite.com/ee-publications/purchase-a-book
Social Media: @itsnotthatdeep_author
Connect with Traci here: https://linktr.ee/HRTraci